A friend recently told me he hated working for his boss, Jim. Evidently, Jim comes across as angry, demanding, unsatisfied and even a little scary. So, I asked another friend who worked at the same company to give me his honest appraisal of Jim as well. His story was the same. This really surprised me, because I’ve known Jim for many years. We’ve had meals together, our families have played together, he’s been on a couple mission trips, serves faithfully in his church and just seems to be a great guy. In fact, Jim told me he really wants to make a difference in the lives of the men he leads at work. Turns out, he’s completely clueless of the negative impact he is really having on his followers.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” George Bernard Shaw

Too often, leaders dig (talk, glare, simmer, ignore, etc.) themselves into a big hole, and just keep on digging. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve dug my own holes through failed communication attempts with team members many times. The deeper the hole, the harder it is to get out. What’s worse than the hole is the leader’s ignorance; when they have no idea of the negative emotional wake they leave behind them every day. Followers and fellow team members know about the hole, but nobody looks at or mentions it too loudly (except when the leader’s not around!)

HOW TO DIG A HOLE

It’s easy, just forget personalities, assume much, remain emotionally stupid and think of yourself first!

Forget personalities

One of the best ways to alienate and push away followers is to fail to consider how individual personalities impact communication. Ignorance leads to bliss only for the ignorant. Unfortunately, everyone else suffers greatly. For example, using the Meyer’s Briggs personality profiles, someone who is an ESFP tends to be vulnerable to criticism, avoids confrontation and has difficulty focusing. Leaders who would fail to take this knowledge into account will most likely walk all over that follower’s emotional well-being. Step one for digging a hole, fail to take into account the personalities of followers.

Assume much

Assumptions are a dangerous enemy to healthy leaders. They create a pretend existence for leaders which may lead to broken communications and unwise choices. For example, when leaders assume their followers admire, understand and/or agree with them, their make-believe world expands. One might measure the depth of this particular hole by gauging how much others gossip and slander their leader behind their back.

Stay emotionally stupid

It is expected that leaders look forward. They are visionary. They like to take the wheel. They know where they are going. Unfortunately, sometimes they forget to check behind them to see how their actions are impacting others. They may unknowingly leave a mess of hurt feelings, confused thoughts and discouraged hearts in their wake. Poor leaders aren’t marked by low mental intelligence (IQ), but by low EQ, or Emotional Intelligence. A person who leads with a low EQ is like someone who cooks their meals in the dark. They have never experienced the “light” necessary to find the right ingredients, measure them properly and cook them at the right heat. The dumber they are (emotionally), the deeper the hole they live in.

Think “me”

The most effective (or deepest) holes are developed through self-centeredness. When leaders think of themselves first, they always place their own thoughts, feelings, goals and interests before others (or the organization.) This turns the proverbial shovel into a powerful jackhammer.

Wise leaders acknowledge the holes they have dug, and work with others to get out, fill them in, and build something meaningful on top of the newly turned soil. This isn’t accomplished in a day, month or even a year. It is an ongoing journey that will last as long as leaders lead. True leaders have the responsibility to be hole fillers rather than hole diggers; to think of others before themselves.

HOW TO FILL A HOLE

Not so easy. Get to know yourself better, know how others tick, solicit regular feedback and think of others first.

Know thyself

Romans 12:3 exhorts, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement” Great leaders are students of self. Not self-centered students, but learners who want to understand who they are, so they might lead others better. They seek to discover and understand their gifts, passions, skills and abilities, personality and defining life-experiences. From there, they work to recognize how this unique mix of information impacts those around them. This journey is traditionally defined as self-awareness and should practically lead to some form of self-management and greater emotional intelligence.

Know people

Effective leaders are those who move from self-awareness and self-management to social awareness and beyond. They seek to understand each member of their team. Their personalities, gifts, srengths and weaknesses, passions, goals and more. They are also committed to learning how to see, hear and understand the many social cues taking place around them.

Get feedback

Management expert, Ken Blanchard, said, “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” If this is true, then great leaders eat feedback for breakfast regularly. Proverbs 19:21 states, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.” One of the quickest and surest paths to self-awareness and social awareness is to humbly ask others to share their perspectives and knowledge about themselves, their leaders and their team environment. Ideally, this would happen in a myriad of ways and conversations, like 1:1 meetings, surveys, team discussions and more.

Turn ‘me’ into ‘you’

The apostle Paul raised the bar for leaders when, from prison, he proclaimed, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others.” ^{Phil 2:3-7} This is an important principle – leaders who focus their attention on others before themselves, ultimately set themselves (and their teams) up for success. Communication becomes easier. People are less stressed. Followers work harder. It builds positive momentum that usually establishes a culture of trust, care and productivity.

It’s easy for people to think leadership is all about progress, victory or success, but it isn’t true. Those are simply by-products of great leadership. Leadership is about people. Technically, leaders don’t lead armies, organizations or teams. They lead people. Not by the hand or by walking in a particular direction, but by talking, communicating, interacting, discussing, motivating and teaching.

CHARGE TO LEADERS

This is why the proverbial hole in the ground should be an abomination for leaders; because when individuals dig themselves into holes, they stop being leaders. The hole only fits one person. There are no followers in a hole. Only the one digging. Followers and team members may stand around the hole to receive orders, probably because they must. Individuals who dig holes also lead dirty teams. The environment and culture are stained by the dirt, stones and garbage the leader digs up and throws around.

Leaders, take communication seriously. Recognize it is much more than speaking words or giving orders. It is a journey of self-discovery and other-discovery. Make a commitment, today, to set time and energy aside to become emotionally intelligent. Begin with self-awareness, move to self-management, become socially aware and work hard to establish meaningful, healthy and growing relationships with those you lead.