I’m usually not afraid of a confrontation, but I certainly don’t like it when I have to engage in one. Confrontation is hard work. It’s draining and full of both negative and positive potential. Unlike the rest of our daily communication with people. confrontation is most likely to end with hurt feelings and misunderstanding. My fear isn’t with the confrontation itself. What I fear, is the results.

Like you, I’ve experienced my share of confrontations that didn’t go well. But I’ve also experienced some awesome confrontations that increased awareness and empowered both parties to grow together and get the things done they were called to do. Over the years I’ve discovered some steps we should take when it’s time to confront others. I’d like to share them in this post.

Please note: you’ll get a lot more out of this post if you also check out How Great Leaders Prepare for Confrontation & The Secret to Effective Confrontation.

The Four Steps to Healthy Confrontations

Step 1: ESTABLISH SAFETY.

When somebody does or says something threatening or unexpected, our natural urge is to fight or flee. Scared people don’t always think clearly. Their judgement is limited. So it’s important that both parties aren’t scared or feel threatened. Instead, others should know that you respect and care about them. I talk a lot more about this in the aforementioned article, The Secret to Effective Confrontation. I suggest you give it a gander.

Step 2: DESCRIBE THE GAP.

The ‘Gap’ is the difference between your expectations and what actually happened. When a coworker is consistently late to a meeting, the gap includes those minutes between when you expected him to be there and when he showed up. When someone leaves the room dirty after an event, the gap includes the condition of the room as you expected to find it and how you actually found it. 

The ‘Gap’ can be very difficult to describe; especially when it’s about behaviors. There is always room for error and misunderstanding. Confrontations are usually already emotionally charged. That’s why I’ve broken down the process of ‘Describing the Gap’ into five parts:

• WHAT
  In your opening statement, you want to talk about ‘what’ happened. Focus on the facts as you understand them. What actually happened and/or what was said. This will establish what is already known between the two of you. Stay away from feelings or interpretations at this point. You should also keep away from labeling statements like, “You were being a jerk.” 

  For example, “Two weeks ago I asked if you could return the books I lent you. Last Friday I also mentioned it again and you said you’d get them to me right away.”

• HOW
  Next, you should carefully describe ‘how’ you feel or ‘how’ you are internally processing the event. Focus on your personal concerns and feelings regarding the situation. Keep away from statements like, “You made me feel stupid.” Nobody can “make” someone else feel and a statement like that invites defensiveness. Rather, simply describe how you felt or what you think. 

  For example, “I know this sounds crazy, but I’m beginning to feel like you’re not returning the books because you are angry with me about something. I’m also afraid that perhaps something has happened to them and you can’t find them.”

• WHY
  Explain why this is important to both you and the other party. This will hopefully clarify why you are having the conversation. The “why” is important. It let’s the other know your goals. It adds context for the other that they may not be aware of. It can also be a good place to reestablish safety if the other is starting to feel defensive.

  For example, “This is really important to me. I don’t want us to have anything hidden in our friendship, and I believe you don’t either. Plus, I promised my boss I’d let him borrow one of those books and I haven’t been able to get it to him.”

• ADMIT
  This is important. After you’ve outlined ‘WHAT’, ‘HOW’ & ‘WHY’, you should express your desire to understand the truth of the situation and ‘ADMIT’ that you may be wrong in your understanding or impression of the situation. This helps the other party know that you’re still open to a new perspective.

  For example, “I suspect there might be something happening here that I’m not aware of. It could be that you already returned them and I didn’t know, that I maybe told you to keep them longer or something else.”

• ASK
  Finally, you should ALWAYS finish describing the gap with a question. This lets the other party know that you genuinely want input & feedback and opens the door for the third step in the process. Your question also lets them know you’ve finished describing the gap and are ready to hear their thoughts and engage in the conversation together.

  For example, “Can you help me understand?” or “What happened?” or “Am I misunderstanding something?”

Describing the gap should NOT take long. You want to keep it short and simple. This is just the opening script to start a, hopefully, meaningful conversation. Putting together each of the 5 parts of “Describe the Gap” our opening conversation might be this: 

“Two weeks ago I asked if you could return the books I lent you. Last Friday I also mentioned it again and you said you’d get them to me right away. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m beginning to feel like you’re not returning the books because you are angry with me about something. I’m also afraid that perhaps something has happened to them and you can’t find them. This is really important to me. I don’t want us to have anything hidden in our friendship, and I believe you don’t either. Plus, I promised my boss I’d let him borrow one of those books and I haven’t been able to get it to him yet. I suspect there might be something happening here that I’m not aware of. It could be that you already returned them and I didn’t know, that I maybe told you to keep them longer or something else. Am I misunderstanding something?”

Step 3: DIG FOR TRUTH

So far, you’ve done all the talking. Now is the time to begin the conversation and mine for the truth of the situation. This is the place where you work with the other party to gain a better understanding together. It is where you will engage your active listening skills, where you will ask lots of questions and where you will, hopefully, discover the cause for the GAP mentioned in Step 1.

At the end of this stage of the confrontation you should be able to categorize the problem into one of the following causes:

• CONFUSION
  When the cause is confusion, one or both parties didn’t fully understand expectations. In this case, it’s usually about misinformation or simple misunderstandings. 

  For example, “I thought you asked me to return them soon but after I finished reading them.”

• MOTIVATION
  When the cause is motivation, it usually means the other party didn’t want to do something or behave a certain way. They weren’t motivated. Often, this points to a deeper underlying issue that needs to be addressed together.

  For example, “I just didn’t think it was that important and when I got home I didn’t feel like trying to find them.

• ABILITY
  When the cause is ability, the other party isn’t capable of or has a major roadblock limiting their ability to accomplish the task. Sometimes, this is because they don’t have the experience or resources to adequately accomplish the task.

  For example, “I’m out of state right now and have been for several days because my father is very ill in the hospital.”

Step 4: MOVE TO ACTION

Finally, it’s time to end the conversation with a ‘next step.’ The goal here is to ensure there is a plan to address the gap in future situations. Everyone involved will hopefully agree together on what should happen next. Sometimes, both party’s may have to agree to disagree and come up with a compromise that respects both perspectives. 

This stage is VERY MUCH contingent on the diagnoses of the cause found in Step 3. The action plan will be very different, depending on whether the cause was from “Confusion”, “Motivation”, or “Ability”. Let’s look at each briefly.

• CONFUSION
  If someone doesn’t understand expectations, then the next step should focus on clarifying what is ultimately expected of them. 

  For example, “Maybe I didn’t communicate clearly the first time. I need the books back right away, by tomorrow at the latest. I can let you borrow them again next month if you want.”

• MOTIVATION
  If the problem lies with motivation, then the action will revolve around tackling the source of ‘why’ the person is demotivated. Do they think it’s not important or a waste of time? Does it seem demeaning to them? Is it because of something personal? Whatever the situation, once it’s defined the action is to find ways to motivate the other party to accomplish the task.

  For example, “I’m in a sticky situation because I promised the books to my boss but haven’t gotten them to him yet. If I don’t get them to him soon I’ll be in the doghouse. Plus, it probably wouldn’t help our friendship now that you know how important it is to me.”

• ABILITY
  If the problem lies with ability, then the action will focus on changing the circumstances that prevent the activity from taking place. Sometimes, this might require releasing the other from the task or activity altogether if they are missing the requisite skills or experience to accomplish the task.

  For example, “Since you’re not home for a while, is there someone else with the key to your home that might let me in to grab them? If not, don’t worry about it. I’ll grab a copy from the library or just let my boss know I can’t get them to him right now. Be released.”

CONCLUSION

Confrontation is often very messy. These steps aren’t meant to create a legalistic “to do list” when individuals need to work through major relationship challenges or difficulties. They are simply a guide to get the conversation going in a healthy direction. They are a great place to start when leaders need to confront their team members in one way or another.