Someone once told me that if you stare at a cat long enough, it will get angry. 

I was at the zoo watching a lion pace forward and backward over and over again. The indoor lion exhibit was packed with people watching him. We were all mesmerized.  After a while I remembered what my friend had told me about staring at cats. So I decided to try an experiment. I lined myself up with his pacing so that every time he walked back towards the crowd I was crouching directly in front of him. Each time he paced towards me, I made and held eye contact with him. I did this for a couple of minutes. Suddenly, the lion stopped in mid-stride and let out a mighty roar. It was incredible (and loud)!

What’s interesting is the response of everyone around me (nobody knew what I was doing). They all went crazy. Some screamed, kids cried, most jumped and several took off running. All this, even though we were all, in fact, completely safe. The lion was behind two sets of bars. He wasn’t going to hurt us. And yet, for a few moments, everyone totally freaked out. 

When people feel threatened, they don’t think clearly. It doesn’t matter how smart we are. When we are scared our bodies go into defense mode. We have a natural desire to either FIGHT or FLEE. In fact, scientists tell us our ability to reason is short-circuited and our God-given instincts to protect ourselves takes over. 

Author, Danny Silk, said it this way:

“God put this little gland inside our brain called the Amygdala. It is an almond-shaped mass of nuclei located deep within the temporal lobes of the brain. This gland is important for determining emotional responses, especially those associated with fear. When somebody does something threatening or unexpected in your environment, when somebody is not safe, your Amygdala kicks on and begins to flood your body with these messages: react, defend, disappear, fight, or flee.

These are some of the responses in which we show our worst. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to discover that people who are scared are not at their creative best. If you’ve ever been near a person who is drowning and scared that he or she is going to die, then you know it would be a good idea to keep your distance. Throw a rope or extend a pole, but do not let that person get a hold of you or you will become a buoy. Oh sure, the person will apologize later, if you lived.

But scared people are not thinking about the team, family, church, or anyone else beside themselves. Fear is a dangerous element for humans to navigate through. Most do not manage it well.”

Great leaders are great communicators, which means they’ve learned this ONE IMPORTANT SECRET: When people feel safe, we can have a great conversation. When they don’t feel safe, we’ll get nowhere fast. When people don’t feel safe in the conversation, they automatically focus on how to best protect themselves. They get defensive or they withdraw. More important, they aren’t thinking clearly.

In any conversation (and especially confrontations), we must find and maintain safety. We need to ensure the other person knows they are safe and that we will honor and respect them during the conversation. They need to believe we are thinking of them and their goals. 

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1)

I remember a time when I had to confront two leaders in my office. It didn’t go well. About 15 minutes into the conversation I found myself face to face with one of the leaders from about 10 inches away as she screamed into my face. Trust me, she wasn’t thinking very clearly and, by that time, neither was I. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest it hurt. I did the only thing I could think of at the time, I called a time-out. Conversation over. Let’s try again at a later date. I don’t think there was anything else that could be done at that point. She wanted to fight and I wanted to high-tail it out of there!

WAYS TO ESTABLISH SAFETY

Following are a few ideas to help leaders get a head start in confrontations with team members (or anyone).

Be Prepared

Preparation in communication, especially confrontation, is one thing that marks a great leader. It separates them from those who just walk into conversations shooting from the hip. In those scenarios, people get hurt and the issue often doesn’t get resolved so much as shoved under the rug. Check out these three actions that will help leaders get ready (prepared) for difficult conversations.

Set The Stage

We will help others feel safe when we begin the conversation by communicating our goals in the conversation and our care for the others’ interests. We’ll make it clear from the start that we want this to be a win-win situation. This is a great time to receive clarity from them about what they are hoping for as well.

Listen, Listen, Listen

Proverbs 18:13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Active listening is a skill to be learned. It’s more than casually hearing others’ words while waiting to speak. It’s giving focused attention to what the other has to say and why they are saying it. When people know we are listening to them, it disarms them and lets them know we really care. They feel safe.

Ask Great Questions

Asking questions will accomplish a lot of things during a confrontation. It communicates our interest in the other person, it draws others out and gets them talking and thinking, and it gives us more helpful information. The key is to ask the right questions and the right kind of questions. Asking “Are you mad at me?” accomplishes very little. Asking, “What happened today that you found frustrating?” solicits helpful feedback.

Pick a Good Time & Location

Sometimes, the best time to talk through a difficult situation is, well, later. If either party is distracted, tired, hungry or overwhelmed, it might not be the best time to start an emotionally charged conversation. Ask them to help you pick a good time to talk. Additionally, location makes a big difference. Attempting to hold the conversation in public can be difficult, though not impossible. Finding a place with few distractions and a measure of privacy is still a vital part of the ‘safety’ oriented atmosphere you want to establish.

Don’t Just Start Safe, KEEP it Safe!

It’s not enough to establish safety at the beginning of the confrontation. Great communicators also recognize the need to maintain safety throughout the conversation. Watch for signs of ‘fight’ or ‘flee’. Keep track of body language and tone of voice. If, at any time, the other seems to withdraw or get defensive, stop the conversation and re-establish a safe environment.