Years ago I was in the unenviable position of confronting an employee that was misusing organizational resources. I was pretty sure this man was going to be on guard and defensive. I knew he had a history of blowing his top. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I wanted to make sure I was entering the conversation in such a way that we would find resolution together, rather than have it dissolve into angry words and actions. I needed to be prepared.

“When you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail.” Benjamin Franklin

Preparation in communication, especially confrontation, is one thing that marks a great leader. It separates them from those who just walk into conversations shooting from the hip. In those scenarios, people get hurt and the issue often doesn’t get resolved so much as shoved under the rug.

When leaders confront others, they need to be prepared. Following are a few pointers I’ve learned about confrontation. These three actions will help leaders get ready (prepare) for difficult conversations.

1. REMEMBER THE GOALS OF CONFRONTATION

Contrary to popular opinion, the goal of confrontation is not to be right or get back at someone. If that were the point, it would be so much better if leaders simply kept their mouth shut. We must remember why we are engaging others in the conversation. In particular, it SHOULD be for the following reasons.

A Better Understanding

We should want to gain understanding where it is lacking. There is almost always something we don’t know about a situation. We often lack context into the reasons why the offense took place and there might be emotions, motives & outside circumstances that we are completely unaware of. Confrontation should be a truth-seeking venture to help us understand others’ perspective better.

A Positive Change

Leaders should desire to see a positive change. In other words, whether the offense is rooted in something we did or said or not, we should wholeheartedly desire to help others learn and grow through the confrontation. It should seem more like a learning or coaching experience than a hand-slapping experience. We want others, and ourselves to be better at the end of the conversation than we were at the beginning.

A Growing Relationship

If strengthening and growing the relationship with the other party isn’t a goal, then it might be better to just leave things well enough alone. Our goals will drive our behaviors, words and actions. If we genuinely want a stronger relationship after the confrontation, we will work hard to ensure that happens. If we think there is a good chance the conversation might burn bridges or destroy a relationship, we will take stock and make sure the confrontation is truly worth it before proceeding.

2. BEGIN WITH THREE FINGERS POINTED AT SELF

It’s an old illustration, but it works well. When we point a finger at someone, there will always be three other fingers pointing back at us. Before we begin any confrontation, a wise leader will evaluate their own motivations, feelings and thoughts first. Each finger is asking one of the following questions:

Am I Part of the Problem?

It is important that leaders are willing to acknowledge the possibility that they played a role in this scenario. In fact, great leaders will always take a measure of responsibility for their follower’s actions. We must be open & honest with ourselves before we sit down to talk with others. 

For example, we might ask some of the following questions: Is it possible that the conflict in question was somehow impacted by my actions? Did I not communicate something clearly? Is there a chance my lack of participation discouraged others? Is there anything at all that I might have done that could have helped prevent the conflict from taking place? 

Am I Telling Myself Ugly Stories?

It is very easy to assume others were intentional about hurting us. We make up stories by patching together random events from the past and by attributing motivations to the person that he or she may never have had. We label them in our minds with words like, “mean” or “rude” or we tell ourselves stories like, “they hate me” or “they are so cocky”. If we enter into a confrontation with stories like these in our brain, the whole conversation will be seen through that filter and we won’t find the healthy resolution you are seeking.

Am I Being Defensive In My Approach?

When we feel defensive before or during a confrontation, our chances of success has been neatly cut in half, if not ruined from the start. Most people can read a defensive stance from miles away, and take the cue to get into the same position. If we look like we’re ready for a fight, they figure they better get ready too. If both parties are approaching the conversation on the defense, it’s going to be impossible (or very hard) to get anywhere productive. 

3. MOVE TO ONE FINGER POINTED AT A REAL PERSON

Sometimes conflict can make us a little dumb, emotionally. We can forget that the person we are confronting is a real person, with real feelings, a unique perspective and their own mix of strengths and weaknesses. We should take a deep breath and treat them in a dignified, grace-oriented manner, as we would want to be treated. We should be asking ourselves:

Am I Treating Him/Her with Honor?

There are few people in the world not deserving of some measure of honor. Even the most ignorant or immature people are still valued and important parts of creation, and worthy of respect. It’s easy to fool ourselves by making false assumptions based on our limited understanding of what makes them really tick.

Am I Assuming the Best?

Rather than telling ourselves bad stories, we should do the opposite. Why not consider positive stories of why the conflict might have happened, believing the best of the person, rather than the worst? Taking this approach will help us relax, it will honor the person we are confronting, and it will empower them to confess wrong motives if they are there, because they won’t have to be defensive.

Am I Taking Our Differences Into Account?

It would be very presumptuous to assume that others think the same way as we do. We all process life differently, we make choices differently and we view life through a different filter of expectations, experiences & values. This is even more true if we are working with individuals from other cultures. We will bring great value to the conversation by removing our assumptions and expectations and seek to understand the frame of reference that others come from.

CONCLUSION

“Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation.” Robert Schuller

Prepared leaders are setup for success. When it comes to communication and confrontation, leaders should prepare by remembering the goals of confrontation, begin with three fingers pointing at themselves (self evaluate) and move to one finger pointed at a real and important person (honor & respect.)