Many years ago I attended a bad meeting. It was the traditional setting: Long table with 4 people on each side, a meeting facilitator at the head and someone (me as it turns out) at the opposite end. It was the most boring meeting of my life. The frustration and anxiety I experienced in those two long hours are vividly etched in my memory. I watched the gentleman next to me pull out documents and a legal pad and begin doing work from his office. He was 100% disengaged from the discussion. The seconds ticked by on my watch in slow motion, like they did in high school. When the meeting was over I was the first one out the door. I have no idea where I went, I just remember thinking, “I need to get out of here.”
Perhaps you have been wondering how you can most effectively lead a meeting as frustrating, ineffective, unproductive, and boring as this one. Today is your day. Following are my top suggestions on how to lead a bad meeting
How To Lead A Bad Meeting
1. Begin the meeting late.
Whatever you do, do NOT start the meeting on time. This will show the people who came to the meeting on time that you prefer to honor the latecomer’s irresponsibility over their responsibility. It will also motivate more and more people to show up late. Bonus Idea: Show up to the meeting late yourself.
2. Kill several trees.
Hand out lots of documents and papers. Make sure several of the documents were handed out at the previous meeting, too. To add a layer of confusion to the meeting, include documents which you will never explain or refer to. Lots of paper will help you feel important and requires everyone to shuffle things around a lot and look busy.
3. Take attendance before you begin.
You know, like your teacher’s did in grade-school. This will remind the team that you are in charge and that they should never miss a meeting. Bonus Idea: Comment about people who are late or talk about them sarcastically behind their back.
4. Vote on the previous meeting’s minutes.
This is only effective when there is no reason to vote on the previous meeting’s minutes (for example: it is not a meeting that requires a vote based on an article in your organization’s by-laws.) The best way to facilitate this act of boredom is to request that everyone read the minutes from top to bottom; then ask for a motion to accept the minutes, a second motion and be sure that all in favor says, “I”.
5. Rehash old conversations.
Discuss everything that was decided in the last meeting, adding commentary and inviting further comment. The goal is to waste as much time as possible and shed doubt on previous decisions.
6. Recruit a note-taker on the fly.
Catch attendees off-guard by asking them to take minutes during the meeting. This is particularly effective after the meeting has already met for 15 minutes. You can also ensure your note-taker loses several hours sleep that night if you ask “Did you get that in the minutes?” about every 4-5 minutes?” Bonus Idea: Pick someone who doesn’t have a computer or isn’t very good at typing.
7. Overload the agenda.
Make sure there are more items on the agenda than you will have time to address. This will create an amazing tension in the room as the participants wonder when the meeting will get over. It also creates an added layer of discontentment because the meetings will never seem to accomplish the designated goals in the agenda. Bonus Idea: Meet until every agenda item has been discussed.
8. Do most of the talking.
You love the sound of your own voice as well as your own opinions, so you know your team will hang on to your every word. Well, not really. Just talk a lot and make sure what you have to say is mostly irrelevant and delivered with the least amount of energy and passion as possible. Think of your History Professor in high school or college.
9. Lose track of the conversation.
Focus is your enemy. Go on as many rabbit trails as you can, especially if they aren’t on the agenda or are discussions you have already hashed over in past meetings. Make sure you never get back to the agenda item. Just close down one of the rabbit trail discussions, make sure it was recorded in the minutes, and move on to the next agenda item.
10. Interrupt people.
If others begin talking, wait until they get to their point and either finish their sentence for them or thank them for their comments and move on without inviting further thoughts from the team. Note: Never ask your note-taker if they got other people’s comments in the minutes, just yours.
11. Veto discussions.
An alternate to interrupting people is to allow the team to discuss the topic at hand for a long time and then veto their ideas with the one you’ve been planning all along. Don’t allow the team to question your decision, just move on to the next agenda item. Another option is to ask someone else to lead a discussion while you are away on a business trip and then veto the decisions made in the room later in the week via email.
12. Assume everyone is on board.
Make sure you NEVER ask people if they understand or agree with the ideas or decisions being presented. Don’t encourage questions or further conversation. If someone does ask a question, let them know they will understand once the discussion is over. Don’t follow up later to find out if that happened. Also, it’s preferable to be slightly condescending when people ask questions. This will discourage questions in the future and help them realize that they are big boys and girls and should be able to figure out what’s going on themselves.
13. Don’t hold anyone accountable.
Make sure nobody gets held accountable for outstanding action items assigned to them. One great method to accomplish this is to simply “forget” to send minutes to the team after the meeting. Also, don’t set due dates in the meeting. If there is a due date and something doesn’t get done, just set a new due date. With these methods, you will be sure to get almost nothing done as a team.
14. Mix things up.
Detail oriented tactical conversations don’t mix well with big picture strategic conversations. So to lead a bad meeting, mix them into the same meeting. Start talking tactical, like who is going to do that upcoming event, then move into a strategic discussion about why it’s important; then go back to more tactical. This method will confuse and exhaust your team over the long haul.
15. Avoid constructive conflict.
The goal is to either avoid all conflict OR foster combative conflict that never resolves well. When there is conflict, pick which side of the conflict you are on and join in the battle. The key to avoiding constructive conflict is to ensure that everyone involved is defensive and focused on protecting themselves and their ideas. This will consistently alienate and destroy team trust.
16. Go long.
No. That’s not a football reference. It just mean you should make sure meetings go much longer than scheduled. Bonus Idea: Start a new discussion 2 minutes before (or after) the meeting is supposed to end.
